How do you explain to people the way you feel when you can’t even figure it out yourself? Is it possible for lies to become truths because you need to repeat yourself over and over? And these lies become reality will you lose yourself in the process? They say holding back something you need to be said ultimately hurts in the end. But right now I really have nothing to lose. I know how to smile and have it reach my eyes, know how to look like the whole world is in my hands while remaining frozen as everyone continues in motion around me. It’s what I pretty much did in high school. It’s what I promised myself I would never do again. But here I am, caught between a rock and a hard place. Once again pushing how I feel at the back of my mind. Lying. It’s summer right now, and keeping away from friends isn’t difficult. At least the friends I need to keep away from. None of them are trying to contact me anyway. All are caught up with their own lives, making plans with one another. But I know that when the time comes I can fool them all. No one will even notice. Ive perfected my skills. How sad is that? I can become a friend who smiles through forced back tears, a girl who jokes when all she wants is to be alone, a person who listens and helps with problems but keeps her to herself. I’ve tried to be the opposite. To let people in, to stop with the hiding and the fakeness, but recent events prove that letting people in hurts too much, that no one wants to know whats happening, they just want to check up and ask the question. That ones problems are exactly that… Ones own problems. I’m done with the venting and the trying. The girl you see next time will smile and nod. Ms positivity. How do I explain something I don’t understand, no emotion.